Hello friend! I’m Zapp Blappington, the CEO of the Office of Culture (CUULT). We’re a for-profit humanitarian organization that seeks to study and protect capsuleer culture by enforcing the CODE. Think of us like the Servant Sisters of Eve, but instead of being obsessed with bizarre pseudo-scientific theories about the Eve Gate, we’re focused on the everyday wellbeing of our fellow capsuleers (and we’re not a NPC corp).
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Another johnny-come-lately who just wants to join the most winning team in highsec. While it’s true that the CODE always wins (Always!), that’s not why I chose to become an Agent of the New Order of Highsec.
Having finished pilot training, I pondered the seemingly infinite possibilities before me while working on a skillplan. Wormhole exploration, faction warfare, pirating, joining a nullsec group and working my way up, using my clean record to try scamming. The list goes on. My planning was interrupted when my friend Boutros Boutros “Boo Boo” Golly convo’d me.
Boo Boo founded CUULT, but was looking to move to the also newly founded Enforcement Division Office of Culture (EDOC). Would I take over for him as CEO, he asked me. He assured me it was a perfect job for a new pilot. No other pilots to watch over or manage. I’d just have to do some scouting and bumping, low skillpoint jobs, I could keep my security status for the time being, share in any earnings, and do some writing about CUULT and EDOC activities. I told Boo Boo that I’d think about it.
Like most people, I’ve always admired the vision and welcoming nature of CODE and the New Order. But, I thought, Eve is all about nullsec. I’ll need some time (or a few skillpoint injectors) before I can really compete out there, but shouldn’t I get into that as soon as possible? While I considered my future, I decided to take my rookie ship for a trip to Halaima, the historic birthplace of the New Order.
Arriving in system, I was pleased to see more than 20 people in local. I said hi, no one responded. My probe scanner didn’t show any ice deposits, so I guess everyone was AFK waiting for a new one. After visiting Halaima’s stunning purple sun, I decided to visit the asteroid belts. To my disgust, every belt was completely mined out. Two fleets of NPC miners zipped aimlessly from belt to belt, apparently as aghast as I.
I left the eerily silent, barren, system and headed to Kamio. There was also a sizable, but mostly silent, group of pilots there. Thankfully, all but one of the asteroid belts looked healthy. My spirits were rising and, when I checked my probe scanner, I noticed an ice field.
I quickly went to take a look (I’d never seen one before). Despite the 20+ pilots in system, there appeared to be only three or four miners in the ice field and a healthy number of ice chunks, a good sign. But then I saw this:
This monstrosity – 4 Skiffs, an Orca, and an Obelisk – would periodically activate its mining lasers, apparently when their lone operator returned from being AFK. Based upon the ships’ actions, pilots’ names, and lack of permits it seems likely these were all controlled by a single operator suffering from severe bot-aspirancy (though at least he flies Skiffs).
Attempts at communication failed. I’m not sure whether this was due to the operator (likely) speaking Russian or that he was AFK most of the time. Suddenly, I regretted not having anything with which to bump or attempt a gank. For if I have learned anything from reading the Words of James 315, it is that every miner is worth saving, even one as apparently far gone as this fellow.
And that was it. I had found my calling. Highsec is worth saving! Boo Boo was offline, but I immediately mailed him that I would accept his offer. Then I modified my skill training for a bumping Stabber. I should have been better prepared (obviously, I have not adequately immersed myself in the CODE yet), but I’ll be back to save this miner. Because, as we know, the CODE always wins. Always.